011; a couple o' guys who were up to no good, started remakin' movies in china-hood.

will smith is pretty cool. i won't lie. one minute he's all nu-rave pre-nu-rave, chillin' out maxin', relaxin', all cool, shootin' some b-ball outside o' school, then he's shootin' some aliens, then pursuing happiness and spelling 'happiness' incorrectly. he's a machine. he's a rapping machine. he's all kinds of legit.

but i have a bone to pick with you, mr fresh prince phd. i'm not sure if you're aware of this but your son ('jaden') is going to star in a remake of the timeless classic the karate kid.

...already emotion wells up in my chest as i remember the sad passing of pat morita, the people's karate mentor. whenever i go out to the beach to perform the crane on my wood stump i can't help but hear 'wax on, wax off' in the crashing waves. i taste salt in my mouth, but it's not the splash of the ocean but my own nostalgic tears...

i don't know if this new version of the karate kid can be really be classified as a remake. a) the daniel-san character is played by a ten year old, b) it's in china as opposed to japan, c) it's in china as opposed to the us (i know karate kid 2 was in japan but you can't just launch off into asia without street smart american dicks from the cobra kai dojo) and d) it's not even about karate.

they're remaking the karate kid and it's not even about karate.

re: ten year old daniel-san, how is this interesting? the karate kid was brilliant for the awkward teenage situations! for daniel dressing up as a shower at prom! ten year olds don't have proms! ten year olds don't even have personalities yet. or souls. they may as well just re-cast ralph macchio, with his hormone deficiency he still looks about fifteen anyway. they probably serve him the children's menu when he goes out to dinner.

apparently this whole thing is being made solely as a 'star vehicle' for jaden smith. yeah, he's going to be a huge star after a film is made that has a huge ass budget, earns no money and pisses off every single fan of the original films. NO QUESTION.

if pat morita was still alive he'd find a way to either stop this or make a good movie out of it. because as we all know, man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything.

009; how to make the most of your drop crotch pants.

welcome to another episode of: trends i don’t understand!

today’s hardhitting issue is drop crotch pants. i don’t understand baggy pants period. i mean, hey, i know how cool it is to completely drown your figure in fabric but drop crotch pants are a bizarre combination of thai fisherman pants and slim fit trousers. is this an update of the 90’s when it was cool to wear skirts over your jeans? even though this trend was carried out by chunky women with giant hoop earrings and did little to hide their thighs?

drop crotch pants are everywhere these days and i am so incapable of understanding them. i miss giant sweatshirts and skinny jeans. i don’t want to reverse it. to me, having fitted tops and baggy bottoms is horribly unflattering and drop crotch pants have the ability to make skinny models look like they have hormonal imbalances that affect their hips. or, as carles from hipster runoff said, like they’ve shat themselves. is irritable bowel syndrome in this season? will acne be in next season? unfortunate people of the world: now is your chance to be fortunate! now is your chance to get invited to hot clubs and bang hot chicks! hot chicks with fake pimples from the stella mccartney spring 09 ready to wear collection!

i mean, what, do people keep things in their drop crotch pants? is that where you keep your marijuana? actually, no, the people that wear drop crotch pants tend to be skinny and fashionable. do you keep cocaine in your drop crotch? do you drop your drop crotch pants, whip out a couple of grams and then snort them off the urinal/closest model? or maybe you keep heroin in your drop crotch? is it safe to carry needles so close to your genitals? what other things can you stash in your drop crotch pants? keffiyehs? more drop crotch pants? were they created by a man who thought that graphic t-shirts with slogans alluding to the size of their penises were tacky, but a large area of cloth that stops at your knees was a classier way to lure the ladies?

these are the hard hitting questions that i ask in this blog. i’m just waiting for the pullitzer. and when i get it, i will store it in my drop crotch pants.

ps. sorry my posts are so non-existent! i know all four of you who read it were on the verge of starting online petitions that achieve nothing asking for me to start posting again. i’ll try and make an effort now. it’s the least i can do for you fans who rely on me for the hardhitting facts about keeping drugs in your pants.

004; if bruce banner hulked out would it break his crocs?

the day i got seriously into fashion was the first time i saw someone wearing crocs. i had an epiphany that day: fashion should never be sacrificed for comfort.

i don't care if you work all day and it's easy on your feet. wear some fucking converses. or addidas sneakers. WEAR SOME FUCKING BAPES. wear fake bapes. you might look like a hipster but you won't look like a such a tool. just a hipster tool. i've never worn crocs simply because i will not bring that hell on me and have to live with the constant reminder that i have, at one point in my life, worn crocs, so maybe they are comfy. but that's a shit excuse. sacks are probably really comfy too. strapping pillows to your body is probably damn comfy, because then you can go rollerblading and fall over and not bruise yourself on the pavement. but you don't do it.

i don't care if you think they're 'not so bad'. they are so bad. they are a crime against nature. you can shove whatever shit you like on them; you can get those stupid buttons that clip on to the holes and look like disney princesses. I DON'T CARE. IT LOOKS EVEN WORSE. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU THINK THAT ACTUALLY LOOKS COOL.

i don't care if you only wear them around the house. your house should be condemned.

i can't even end this post properly. i just want to find an ozone-friendly way to burn crocs and cruggs and whatever the hell the crocs masterminds are thinking up next. probably crocs for hookers. covered in glitter with four inch platforms and little buttons in the shape of dicks.