010; interesting developments.

ffffff so it turns out i'm not as good at keeping a blog as i thought i would be. which is sad, because i really do have a lot of opinions that i want to yell at everyone until they accept them and start to see me as a new messiah, followed by a steady morphing into my image. hopefully all of this sans a horrible single white female situation. if you fuck my boyfriend in the dark with pointy shoes i will end you, i swear.

i really don't want this to turn into a blog about blogging. it'd be like that kid in year eight when you have to do speeches, and they do a speech on how horrible it is to write speeches. and despite this happening EVERY YEAR they go through to the finals and everyone thinks they are SO COOL. well, hear this, i will not go in this direction! people will think i am SO COOL because of my witty and insightful comments and ability to relate to all! though it would be easier to do a blog on how horrible it is to write blogs. but oh, if there's anything you should know about me it's that i don't take the easy way out, unless we are talking about tidying my room (put everything in the closet) or loading the dishwasher (shove all the cutlery in blade/prongs/whatever first EVEN THOUGH you get a better clean if you put them in the other way). these are my only exceptions. i appear to have gone on a tangent, though a tangent with valuable cleaning tips. maybe that's my secret talent?

stay tuned for the next blog when i show you how to iron around buttons on shirts properly! yeah, it's actually super hard. the amish have the right idea: abolish buttons, bring on the beards. i would really like a beard. people who stroke their chins thoughtfully always seem to look so much more intelligent when bearded. it must be where they keep their second brains.

about the image in this post: i thought maybe you'd like this picture of mickey dolenz playing the bongos. i think we can all agree he is the superior monkee.

009; how to make the most of your drop crotch pants.

welcome to another episode of: trends i don’t understand!

today’s hardhitting issue is drop crotch pants. i don’t understand baggy pants period. i mean, hey, i know how cool it is to completely drown your figure in fabric but drop crotch pants are a bizarre combination of thai fisherman pants and slim fit trousers. is this an update of the 90’s when it was cool to wear skirts over your jeans? even though this trend was carried out by chunky women with giant hoop earrings and did little to hide their thighs?

drop crotch pants are everywhere these days and i am so incapable of understanding them. i miss giant sweatshirts and skinny jeans. i don’t want to reverse it. to me, having fitted tops and baggy bottoms is horribly unflattering and drop crotch pants have the ability to make skinny models look like they have hormonal imbalances that affect their hips. or, as carles from hipster runoff said, like they’ve shat themselves. is irritable bowel syndrome in this season? will acne be in next season? unfortunate people of the world: now is your chance to be fortunate! now is your chance to get invited to hot clubs and bang hot chicks! hot chicks with fake pimples from the stella mccartney spring 09 ready to wear collection!

i mean, what, do people keep things in their drop crotch pants? is that where you keep your marijuana? actually, no, the people that wear drop crotch pants tend to be skinny and fashionable. do you keep cocaine in your drop crotch? do you drop your drop crotch pants, whip out a couple of grams and then snort them off the urinal/closest model? or maybe you keep heroin in your drop crotch? is it safe to carry needles so close to your genitals? what other things can you stash in your drop crotch pants? keffiyehs? more drop crotch pants? were they created by a man who thought that graphic t-shirts with slogans alluding to the size of their penises were tacky, but a large area of cloth that stops at your knees was a classier way to lure the ladies?

these are the hard hitting questions that i ask in this blog. i’m just waiting for the pullitzer. and when i get it, i will store it in my drop crotch pants.

ps. sorry my posts are so non-existent! i know all four of you who read it were on the verge of starting online petitions that achieve nothing asking for me to start posting again. i’ll try and make an effort now. it’s the least i can do for you fans who rely on me for the hardhitting facts about keeping drugs in your pants.